mad_prophets | Crackfic, chapter 1

~~Devil~~ Loki made me do it.

This is an AU crackfic shamelessly using NO characters and events. Will feature Uriel carrying Odin's child, Belial carrying Gabriel's twins, Loki being confused and mean, angels drinking tea, Pestilence being jealous, and lots and lots of other things. (I can't promise an all-Manor orgy, though, but such a thing isn't absolutely impossible either.)

***

In the morning Belial woke up, and suddenly he was she.

Well, it wasn’t that suddenly, really. She could vaguely recall the events of the night before, which had eventually led to her changing her apparent gender. What had then followed had been probably the most memorable night of her existence.

Oh, yes. Gabriel definitely knew how to drive her mad with desire, no matter what her gender. Although it definitely didn't hurt that she had quite some experience with such things, too.

She turned to look at her side. The angel was still asleep, looking absolutely gorgeous. Ebony hair and milky white skin, long, black eyelashes brushing against the pale cheeks. The wonderful mouth was slightly parted in his sleep, and Belial ached to kiss it. Therefore, she did.

Gabriel did not wake, so she then sat up on the bed, stretching herself like a cat. Well, nice as it had been, it was about the time to return to her normal form. With one last tiny yawn, she thus proceeded to turning male.

Except that she couldn't.

Her first reaction was, of course, to try again. However, her next attempt failed. And the next one.

Then, she wasted no time on panicking. Instead, she just started shaking Gabriel, calling loudly his name. A moment later a pair of sleepy angel eyes looked at him.

"Belial?" asked Gabriel sleepily. "Is something wrong?"

"I can't turn back into my male form!" Belial hissed. "And I don't like this, I don't like this one bit!"

"Now, calm down." Gabriel sat up slowly, blinking a bit. "You can't turn back? Why on Earth can't you?"

"My body refuses to cooperate!" Belial replied angrily. "I can think of only one reason for it to do so, and if that is the reason, I definitely wouldn't want to be you!"

"What reason? And what does it have to do with me?"

"Because if I'm pregnant, Hell can't find me but Heaven can find you."

If only possible, Gabriel was suddenly even paler than before.

*

Odin woke to a horrible headache. This did not surprise him. What little he could remember of the night before consisted of dragging Uriel into a bar and getting them both drunk. He could vaguely remember sex, too, although by the time he had ended up in bed he had been too drunk to recall even his own name.

Eyes still shut, he felt the bed by his side. Ah, yes. A quite wonderful body, there. She was quite petite, but that didn't make her any less lovely. Slowly opening his eyes, he took in the long black curls and vaguely familiar face.

Then, the woman opened her eyes. Her wide, emerald eyes. She blinked, then said, very quietly, "Odin?"

With a startle Odin realized that it was Uriel.

"Oh, no," he groaned. "We didn't -- please tell me we didn't --"

"I'm afraid we did," Uriel replied quietly. "I'm afraid we indeed did."

Suddenly Odin had a very strong urge to throw up. And it wasn't only because of hangover, either.

*

Gabriel was relieved.

Sure, there was a tiny part of him that had been vaguely disappointed when Belial had finally managed to turn back into his male form after all. However, his general feeling was deep relief.

He did love Belial, however confused and even fearful he sometimes was about his own feelings. And he was certain that Belial loved him. However, he couldn't honestly say that he wished for a baby that would be both of their own. Not with his knowledge of what such a thing could lead to.

Fortunately Belial was now his usual, charming male self. However, due to the scare they'd got with the inexplicable delay in his transformation, they had come to an unspoken agreement not to experiment with gender changes again.

Neither of them particularly wanted to die.

*

Uriel sighed. Ever since That Morning he had showered at least a dozen times, but he still felt filthy. how had he even allowed such a thing to happen? Sure, he had been slightly manic at the time, one symptom of which was inclination sexual explorations, but still. He had got drunk, turned female, and lost her virginity to her brother.

It really couldn't get any worse.

Or so he had thought, anyway. When they had finally made their way back to the Manor -- after deciding that the incident was never to be spoken about, not ever -- they had discovered a guest in Odin's room. Another blood brother, that was -- Loki. Loki had taken an immediate dislike to him, even going as far as starting a fight with him, only giving up when Odin had separate them.

And now, he was feeling ill.

He couldn't understand it, he simply couldn't. For a couple of mornings now he had woken up. This alone was enough of a surprise, as he had only slept a few times in his existence, but there was also nausea. For somebody who had spent almost all of his existence not eating and not sleeping it was quite a horrible experience to wake up in the morning wanting to throw up. He blamed the chocolates he kept eating, but he simply couldn't stop eating them.

Ah, well. It'd go over soon enough.

In the meantime he had to find a way to get Loki stop taunting him.

*

Gabriel looked down into his glass, thinking about nothing in particular. It was quite a peaceful moment, quiet and calm. There was nobody in the bar aside from himself and Belial, and the only sounds to be heard were the footsteps of his beloved demon.

Suddenly, a glass crashed on the floor, shattering into countless little shards and causing quite a bit of noise. His head shot up, his surprise immediately turning into shock and worry as he saw Belial standing there, mouth opened in a soundless cry, eyes wide.

It took him all of two seconds to realize that Belial was female.

"What is it?" he asked, standing up and hurrying towards Belial. "Why did you change?"

"I -- I didn't!" Belial replied as soon as she was over her first shock. "My body changed without my consent!" She looked pale, which was quite an achievement, given the colour of her skin. "I talked with Ellie -- and she said --"

Belial seemed almost hysteric, which was definitely uncharacteristic of her. Gabriel carefully drew her into an embrace, asking with his most smoothing voice, "Yes, my love? What did she say?"

"That sometimes... it's possible to turn male for some time even if you are pregnant," Belial said, her voice hardly more than a whisper. "And if you turn back female without planning to... fear the worst."

Gabriel froze. Suddenly, he didn't hear what else Belial said, the demon's words never registering in his mind. Instead, another sound surrounded him, something he had never truly heard but that was now too real to be comfortable.

He heard Tali's scream.